"Idle Thoughts Part 3: Wallpaper"

"Idle Thoughts Part 3: Wallpaper"

Your curvature my compass.
Even closed eyes honor footsteps.
My ears their accomplice;
Willing to accompany every request laden.
Perceived a maven for decisions
Made without conscious precision,
I am upholding my mantle tonight.
Few lights blink above porch steps.
Ponds darker than the last drink.
I need time to think;
But I only recall your wink
With my head buried with your sink.

Sank too deep for slumber.
No degree of hunger;
But my intrigue surely piques.
Your hands cup my cheeks
Like that of clay you've spun around.
You don't make a sound.
You have yet to say a word.
Only footsteps I have heard.
This room filled with words
That I've only read in tomes.
Secrets fill this home.
No wonder you're alone.

Phrases remain jumbled;
Only humbled in your shadow.
I feel your mystique in my marrow;
Scratching against my bone
As if I were your clone.
In that very moment,
I felt pleasure and atonement.
Beneath the pungent bile,
I can taste your contradiction.
I request valediction;
But instead, I choose to stay.
My liquor will burn away;
But not the ashes of the past.
I have seen what lasts
Flailing fresh against these walls.
I remember calls:

Late night requests from another
While over her I hover.
You climb under covers
while I recall their mother.
Haven't heard from them in years.
I can see their tears
As they sat on the back seat.
Their warmth at my feet
From each daily meet and greet
No longer their greatest feat.
My legs held within their glow
Replaced by wet socks and snow.

It's time for me to go.
There's nothing to show
And I question your feigned interest.
At your best,
you've placed guilt back on my chest
And at your worst,
You have replenished my thirst.
The bar doesn't seem so far.

Tucked you in tight
Before dimming your light.
Your countenance would glow
Like the one I used to know:

Imagined the disgrace
When I couldn't recall her face.
He who sips from an idle glass
Incurs thoughts that barely pass
When questioned for authenticity.
She was my divinity:
God's gift complete with hymns.
She was no seraphim;
But her wings would cross my heart.
Her voice like heaven's harps;
Strumming even in her slumber.

I've surely fallen under. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written By: Devin Joseph Metz

"We're Not Ready For That Yet..."

Devin Joseph Metz
Amber Chardonnay Crawford-Metz

We've said it so often. All of us have, honestly; and it doesn't matter if you are in a committed relationship, if you are married, single or just bringing it up in casual conversing.

We have all at one point or another in our lives said "I/We aren't ready for that just yet."

What would constitute as "That" in this realm of speaking? Parenthood, of course.

I can say that I have only recalled saying this myself when in a serious relationship; especially after getting married this past January. Actually, I believe that frequent usage of that statement has increased in volume now that we are newlyweds.

My wife and I have always conversed about it in a playful or optimistic manner(you know: "Our kid is gonna do this/be like this/have this trait, etc.); but we have recently had much more in depth conversations regarding the institution of parenthood.

I can recall a conversing with my wife that took place late one night a little over a month ago on the whole concept of being ready for parenthood. We talked about what the future holds for our relationship, our plans as far as where we would like to be years down the line(both geographically as well as in other terms of discussion) and definitely the time frame for when we would have our first child.

Of course I went on rambling about all of the usual reasons why one would state that he/she isn't ready for parenthood:

"I want to make sure that we are financially stable first. I don't want that to be something that we have to struggle with for our child."

~Or~

"I want us to move out of Louisiana before we have our kids. I don't want our children to experience what we had to growing up here."

~Or~

"I would like us to do some more traveling beforehand. I'm not sure we would get the opportunity to do so if we had our child first; at least not to the degree and volume that we would like to anyways."

~Or~

Pretty much any other tidbit of reasoning that one could tie into this conversation. That was when my wife asked me an extremely poignant question:

"Baby, how do you expect to know when we'll be ready to have a child? What makes us so sure that we can plan for something like that?"


I ask that question because something I've come across at work is #1:

Sheer surprise that I'm even married at my age; and #2:

That I don't have kids already!

I'm one of two women on my shift that doesn't have children. So while I'm asking them,"How are you dealing with having a kid at this point in your life?" They are asking me, "What made you get married so young?"

Those questions and answers have changed my picture of child readiness altogether! The questions that I use to temper how ready we are have changed from financial to conditional/environmental. There's less thought about how many million dollars it takes to raise a child and more about where and how we are going to raise a child:

 Where are they going to go to school?

Who are they going to be around?

Are we as parents going to have some support where we are?

And you know what?

Those are all valid inquiries indeed.

Amber and I are always swapping stories back and forth about our coworkers who ask us about when we are gonna have some kids. I tell her about one of my officers that is striking days of the calendar in hopes of Amber and I conceiving before the end of this year.

As only Amber can coin this phrase, she always says "WHY IS EVERYBODY PLOTTING ON MY OVARIES?!?!"

I never get tired of hearing that. Sheer hilarity.

Upon further examination of all of these "reasons" that one would provide to substantiate why he/she isn't ready to have a child, I considered the slight possibility that there may be gender specific reasons expressed relative to why we tend to tread with great caution when talking about parenthood.

There are things to consider on both fronts.

I've recalled some of my male peers say things along the lines of "I'm far too busy for a child" or "I can't really see myself raising a child just yet. I'm still too reckless."

Now that last one really gets to me. Claiming to be "still too reckless" at a point in your life when you are an adult endowed with certain responsibilities that include quality of life just does more to elaborately expose your lack of fortitude and maturity.

As far as I am concerned, although I know that there really isn't a surefire way to plan parenthood, I do think that there are things that would be somewhat instrumental in preparing me for that next step in life.

I do believe that I would like to have a degree more space for raising a child. Not that our current living conditions are a far cry from favorable, of course. I just believe that would be a healthy advantage for our child to have.

Additionally, although this isn't something I have complete control over as of right now, I definitely want to be at a certain condition financially so that we could support our child with a reasonable financial bolster while nurturing him/her.

I'm sure there are a number of other things that would make me feel a little more ready to have a child. The aforementioned are two main concerns for me immediately, though.

Honesty I don't really worry so much about some of those things as much as I used to. I mean, yes, having more income and more space would be awesome, but I think if a kid decided to pop up at random right now, I would be more concerned with my mindset and attitude. I don't know if I'm at the point where I can get my mind kid-ready in 9 months or less! Because that is what it comes down to... Are you going to be prepared for the baby once it actually shows up. Will the countdown be enough? O.o

The undeniable truth here is that there really is no foolproof method when it comes to preparing for childhood; and I'm somewhat okay with that.

Just think about it:

If there were a universal way for future parents to prepare for a new life to emerge, that would likely mean that there is also mean that there would be a universal way for parents to raise their child; and that takes away from the authenticity of these children and the parents that raise them.

Who wants to live in a world without originality, individuality and authenticity? You do? Well count me out of that...

Maybe not knowing that you're ready will actually show that you actually are ready should you become a parent soon. Maybe that which we don't know beforehand will positively impact what happens on the back end of a situation. This isn't always a good thing, of course; but is that for us to determine in the first place?

I think that is better reserved for a higher power and influence.

In the end, I believe that a lot of those "Not ready for that  yet" statements are directly linked to one's fear. It may be a fear of commitment in that realm of reasoning. It might be fear of responsibility. It may be a true fear of failure. Whichever of these it may be, I think that they all may inadvertently serve as a means of motivation to those who find themselves in the role of future parents. 

After all, those who are positively motivated to do good for themselves and others are seen as the ultimate role models for our impressionable youth. 

And what greater role model is there for a young child than his/her parents?

The Thin Line between Discipline and Abuse: Can we tell the Difference

The Thin Line between Discipline and Abuse: Can we tell the Difference.

I cannot speak for people of the Asian or Caucasian descent nor can I speak for all peoples of African descent but I have come to this opinion we as a people don't know the difference between abusing a child or  disciplining one. I must state before I go any further explaining my opinion is that the means of discipline that we use on our children, nieces, nephews, godchildren or our friends children ( If they have given permission to discipline their child) were the same ones that the slave masters, overseers and planters used on our ancestors So I beg the question do we as a people really want to use the means on our young that were used  on our ancestors and for some of us even as near as our grandparents? Many people are going they say or quote the verse from the book of Proverbs: Spare the rod , spoil the children. The correct quote is Proverbs 13:24“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him” But  what is the “rod” many of us interpret that scripture as it being a stick or meaning to hit or beat your child. Many of us would not come to the conclusion that this quote may be symbolic like many of the scriptures in Proverbs and the other biblical books of Wisdom.

Many of us say that we survived the beatings that their parents gave , so it is ok for their child to be beaten the same way. In response I have always stated to people who have said this to me that:

If you were hit across your head with a kitchen pan, that was abuse!

if you hit with an electric wire that was abuse!

If your mother took her heels and hit you across your head or your body that is abuse ( hitting some one with  heels can send that person to the hospital)!

If you mother called you retard or stupid that's abuse!

If your parents keep hitting you and leave bruises sending you to school those bruises that hurt and are bad ( then they cross the line between discipline and abuse)!

If they curse at you like you some grown up ( That's abuse) !

I can go and on with examples , I am not against disciplining or even spanking with a belt but we as people of African descent are quick to say that this child didn't get beat enough or are quick to pick up the “ rod” to disciple our children without even trying out the other forms of discipline.

Some of us in my opinion have crossed that thin line by picking frying pans, broom sticks, whips, electric wires, shoes and even excessive beating with a belt or your hands and hitting our children. Yes we want our children to honor and respect us but do we want them to not disobey because they are afraid of that next beating or do you want them to not disobey because they know it was wrong.

I have had many conversations with friends of mine about discipline and one thing I have noted is that they say that they feared either their mother or father or even both. Some have said in not so many words that because their parents have put the fear of God in them they knew what not to do.

I think putting the fear of God in your children while disciplining children is abusive. God does not want us to fear  him and obey because He scares us but He wants us to obey and follow because He loves us and we love Him. Shouldn't every parent want their child do right because they love them and not because they fear them.

Abuse is about fear and control, and many of of us and some of our parents without realizing this “ discipline”  our children because we want to put the fear of God in them so that they won't do or say something or when people tell us this child is “ out of control” we discipline that child so that he behave and be back in control

Discipline should never be about putting fear in your child or even placing them back in control. Children are not animals , they are human beings. There other ways of disciplining a child if we try. But I believe we as Black people are too quick to pick anything to discipline our children and maybe because of that some of us without knowing have crossed the line. May be we are so quick because it is condition in our mind set that we spank or beat or don't spare the rod on children because the rod wasn't spared on our grandparents and ancestors all the way back to Massa's house. Heck the overseers, planters , merchants and slave masters use to put the fear in God in our ancestors house, they may have even whipped the slaves because a near by overseer told them that their slaves were out of control. Just a thought maybe we as black people are repeating those same abusive patterns like slave owners did to our relatives.

There is a thin line between Abuse and Discipline, some of us may not know it, some of us may not care and some of us may not think that there is a line but it is there and we need to address it.   Maybe it  is  time   to use  Positive  discipline . One  shouldn't  be  ready  always   to pick  up  a belt  or whatever  to discipline, there  are  other  methods  that  works   sometimes  just  as   well.  But I usual I digress !

"Home Plate"

"Home Plate" 

Hands peel back tension like doors.
Separation intangible.
This is standard for us.
You and I,
seldom locking eyes
but yearning for every glance.
Given one chance,
how much would we capitalize on?
Would wrong tarry long
so that it all felt right?
Would it be foolish to fight?
I'm not ready for the light;
so we rendezvous late nights.
Close enough to greet and speak
yet far too somber and meek.
Fingertips and body heat.
Your nails coiled within your hair
while I'm counting threads in pairs.
I'd gaze forever if you'd let me;
but this neck so weak and heavy......
heavier this air I swallow.
Still in all, I'd wax and wallow;
anxious to be here with you.
Waiting as if something new
will take over, hearts that smolder
remove boulders from our shoulders
and allow some interaction.
Incur progress with this passion.
Passive bodies, racing minds
but we're always left behind;
holding fast to run away.
Swore that we'd embrace today.
Promised I'd have things to say.
Just delay to my dismay.

Far away from where I fell,
submerged deep under this well:
fear so great I've lent it hours
pretending to harness power.
Your demeanor my consolation.
I engage the consultation:
Signs that I am not alone;
not forlorn within this zone.
Nothing gained as muscles rest.
Both enveloped at our best,
but our worst won't step aside.
We seem trapped here on this ride.
Sudden strides to walk away.
Increments between delay.
Start then stop but won't confront it.
Two hearts sinking to their stomachs.
If I leave, what have I learned?
If you leave, you won't return.
That's the outcome I will earn.
End result for all concerned.

Labyrinth of silk and sheets.
Survey slightly past your feet.
Less discreet and more for certain.
Deliberate when parting curtains.
Dubious in my design.
Breaking code and crossing lines.
Daring deviant display.
Antithesis of prior days.
Tension still slips through the cracks.
More through dripping pores and backs.
Was too nervous to relax;
now I serve til you climax.............

..............did that feel good?

Written By: Devin Joseph Metz

"Beneath The Patches"

"Beneath The Patches"  

 

You've seen it

and I know you've seen it.

The landscape is bare,

but you pretend that its scenic.

Couldn't see the grass for the tree

yet you ravaged for free.

Silken stains from your membrane

brushed across the patches.

You're intertwined in my locks.

You mingle with my vines

even when I stand behind.

The last of this measure

only keeps you in the fields;

roaming with no purpose

aside from what is on the surface.

That's what I often fail to mention.

 

What's on your menu of dreams tonight?  

The flight. 

As you float, 

tales of the unseen in your heart. 

Making room for me there. 

To guide you, 

through trails and triumphs wins and tries, 

despising the things that say we aren't forever. 

Welcome me. 

Open arms. 

No apprehension.

Actions speaking louder than words. 

Unnecessary to mention.

 

 

If you wish to view my ledger,

it may likely serve you better

to take a third glance first.

A veritable bevy

rests on this mind of mine.

I can't conceal it all in time.

Not around you, at least.

Arose for every occasion

whether alone at home on the phone

or face to face observing grace.

I've fancied it easier

to stand this tall

when more than walls stand between us.

Forgiveness is requested.

You've bested my endeavors

to avert your calls and letters.

Leather seated near my feet.

I perspire from your feats;

marveling at my defeat.

I guess it does pay to compete...

 

I am not a worthy opponent. 

To go against the King or even the grain 

won't prove victorious for me 

and I love it. 

The agony of defeat is sweet 

when served by your hand. 

Stronger than this situation of space. 

Faster than time, 

my heart beats out a rhyme 

same cadence as your words, Love. 

The above thoughts make me smile. 

Stay awhile...

whether it be in the physical or in my mental state. 

Wait out the lonely knowing you're coated in my presence. 

Present yourself to me plainly, but coy.

Ahoy, come with me 

for you are so much more than this letter...

heart to heart, proving WE are better..... 

I presume you've seen this outcome beforehand.

Before hands graze, I am fazed.

The delay in circumstance

would not claim your chance

to implore that you stay with me.

I note the reasoning in your tone.

I've been alone among the crowds

that become increasingly loud

but the warmth of you is enticing.

Exciting as it seems,

I've yet to disclose my dreams.

I will not give way to judgement.

 

I wish silence didn't cause us to go deaf. 

I mean so so deaf 

that only our hands can drown out the sound, 

standing around in every corner 

that you failed to look. 

Around that last bend before you gave up, 

you are enough. 

I wish you knew it. 

From nothing we grew without;

sticks and stones breaking the bones that had our backs...

built this shack that covered our hearts from the beatings....

meeting me with that glance I love for it is you...

tired of wondering...

simply stated:

What you gonna do?

 

 

Everything I can if you believe me.

I'm wound up far too tight.

Can't deal with the deceiving.

Won't uphold interaction

if it serves as mere distraction

for the underlying ulterior.

I'm jaded; not inferior.

I'll peel back my interior

if it means my heart well.

The nights are long,

The rum is cold

and my heart swells.

Fear rung for years;

echoed in a well of tears

but this may be worth it.

Never met perfect.

Not face to face, at least;

but if you wish to roam these fields,

I hope to find some peace.

The wholesome has its piece.

Each piece is but a portion.

The picture clear when you are near.

Make short work of distortion.

 

Written By: Shequita Brooks and Devin Joseph Metz

 

"Hate Me! Please?"

Devin Joseph Metz

Many thanks to ForeverFail.com for this rather alarming example of what I and many of you reading this have surely become painfully tired of seeing.

Everyone wants to feel important in some regard. Everyone wants to feel desired. We all do; and those out there who make it their priority to state that they don't want these things are probably the ones that want it the most.

That's no secret or recent development. That's common knowledge.

It should be, at least.

Don't get me wrong: There is absolutely nothing wrong with one desiring to be needed or wanting to feel important. I've always had a well documented "beef," however with those who aim to gain that notoriety, importance, power or whatever else they feel they need from their "haters." 

What is it with those people? 

Seriously. I have never and likely will never understand that. My confusion won't stave off my elaboration about how ridiculous this whole "Hater Love" movement of sorts is, though.

This ridiculous fad (and yes; that's what I perceive it as) has no real traceable origin at all (trust me. I've checked already); but it still makes itself ever present in modern culture; especially the portion of that culture that is connected to social media. 

We constantly see in posts on Facebook, tweets on Twitter, Instagram photos and other social mediums the "Hi Haters,""Shout out to my haters,""I wanna thank my haters out there" and ever so popular "I love my haters" statements that are usually followed by some ridiculous reason why they are offering such congratulatory remarks to those that they aim to infuriate:

"Shout out to all my haters that wish they could be the first to own these new Jordans!"

~Or~

"I wanna thank all the haters out there. I know you see the new Lincoln sitting outside!"

~Or Even~

"I love my haters. All of you. You can't make a grilled cheese sandwich this good, huh?"

Feel that sinking in your stomach right now? 

That's the humiliation that you feel; regardless of whether you've said something along the lines of these statements, you're friends with someone who says this crap or you've just read or heard it from someone. 

That's right. It's a residual effect. It sours everyone around who hears, reads or speaks such ignorance in a sincere or proclaiming fashion.

It's not empowering in any capacity. It is rather expository, however.

*This is the moment in the entry where we give people who consistently use the "Hi Hater" fad time to go look up words that they may not have understood up to this point. You know: words like "Expository" for instance. We allow them this portion of time because their ignorance in this practice implies that they have no shame in exposing how little they may actually know outside of ignorant means. For everyone else who understands this terminology, let's just standby for a minute or so.*

Welcome back.

As I previously stated, those who push this nonsense to the point where they actually feel empowered by it are making themselves seem very expository. Very self-explained.

When you go out of your way to post something like this, there are some things that other people see that you may have to start recognizing for yourself...

First of all, how dare you even use something as undeniably delicious as tater tots to express your groundless lust for attention?

The tots, man?! Really?!

What's wrong with you?!?!?!?!

Honestly, though:

All you're really saying with all of those posts, tweets and photos dedicated to your haters is that you aren't mature enough to stand on your own portion of accumulated confidence.

You are stating that there is a dire need for people to pay attention to you; and if you can't seem to find a civil and unobtrusive means of garnering that attention, then you are completely at home with pissing off other people just to get them to take notice.

You are among those who get so hyped up when you listen to rappers that use this means of empowerment. As a matter of fact, maybe this whole fad started with Shawty Lo....

..........you remember him, right?

"BIG UPS............TO ALL MY HATERS!!!!"

Yeah. That guy.

Its sickening and ultimately disparaging to see how we effortlessly migrate from one fad in music media to another - from "Hi Haters" to "Dat S**t Cray" to that "Turn Up" crap - yet we can't stand alone on our own when it comes to self empowerment.


You even look at your sports media for a wholesome sense of empowerment and you'll see this...

Really classy, James. That and that video you posted on YouTube. Oh how the masses have come to look upon your glory and *cough* "modesty" in that glory.

A conversing I've recently had with my wife reminded me that there was a time where one acknowledged haters in a powerful, self-uplifting, respectable connotation. There was once a time where people who were privy to criticism and doubt from others gracefully reminded those same detractors of their claims once they emerged victorious. This was done as a means of proving one's doubters wrong while also proving to oneself that he or she was more than capable of achieving what was desired.

Nowadays, however such means have been replaced by those who in every idiotic manner conceivable clamor for the negative attention of others in a half-witted way to motivate themselves. It truly disgusts me to see the self-absorbed only step away from themselves long enough to draw others to them by enraging them.

What is even more demeaning and pathetic are those who like to pretend that there are that many people who can't stand them just to gain some popularity among others. 

What I wonder about all those out there who "embrace" their haters so much is if they realize just how much of that hate that they desire from others they may have contributed to themselves. That's what is actually going on, to be totally honest.

Think about it.

Think about the insecurity.
The doubt.
The self-loathing.
The regret.

All those things that have shrouded that person's judgment; causing one to curse, dislike or hate the way they are instead of finding solace in their individuality. 

So if this does sound even somewhat like what you are going through. Just go ahead and ask your self one question:

 
You owe yourself an answer.

Oh, and to those of you out there that feel like you need to broadcast how you "Don't care what the next person says" because you're "gonna do you anyway," I mean this with all sincerity when I say that you would be amazed at how many of us really aren't paying you any attention when you say that. We know that you're itching for the same attention. The only difference between you and the "Hater Lovers" is that you're trying to display some semblance of independence in hopes of materializing a reputation in front of others.

Just as needy. Not very sneaky.

Everyone wants to feel important or needed or desired.

There still is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Unless you need to create negativity to do so.

Respect can be gained without compromising individual positivity. That's what I've been told, anyways. Find out for yourself if there is any truth to that claim.