The Thin Line between Discipline and Abuse: Can we tell the Difference

The Thin Line between Discipline and Abuse: Can we tell the Difference.

I cannot speak for people of the Asian or Caucasian descent nor can I speak for all peoples of African descent but I have come to this opinion we as a people don't know the difference between abusing a child or  disciplining one. I must state before I go any further explaining my opinion is that the means of discipline that we use on our children, nieces, nephews, godchildren or our friends children ( If they have given permission to discipline their child) were the same ones that the slave masters, overseers and planters used on our ancestors So I beg the question do we as a people really want to use the means on our young that were used  on our ancestors and for some of us even as near as our grandparents? Many people are going they say or quote the verse from the book of Proverbs: Spare the rod , spoil the children. The correct quote is Proverbs 13:24“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him” But  what is the “rod” many of us interpret that scripture as it being a stick or meaning to hit or beat your child. Many of us would not come to the conclusion that this quote may be symbolic like many of the scriptures in Proverbs and the other biblical books of Wisdom.

Many of us say that we survived the beatings that their parents gave , so it is ok for their child to be beaten the same way. In response I have always stated to people who have said this to me that:

If you were hit across your head with a kitchen pan, that was abuse!

if you hit with an electric wire that was abuse!

If your mother took her heels and hit you across your head or your body that is abuse ( hitting some one with  heels can send that person to the hospital)!

If you mother called you retard or stupid that's abuse!

If your parents keep hitting you and leave bruises sending you to school those bruises that hurt and are bad ( then they cross the line between discipline and abuse)!

If they curse at you like you some grown up ( That's abuse) !

I can go and on with examples , I am not against disciplining or even spanking with a belt but we as people of African descent are quick to say that this child didn't get beat enough or are quick to pick up the “ rod” to disciple our children without even trying out the other forms of discipline.

Some of us in my opinion have crossed that thin line by picking frying pans, broom sticks, whips, electric wires, shoes and even excessive beating with a belt or your hands and hitting our children. Yes we want our children to honor and respect us but do we want them to not disobey because they are afraid of that next beating or do you want them to not disobey because they know it was wrong.

I have had many conversations with friends of mine about discipline and one thing I have noted is that they say that they feared either their mother or father or even both. Some have said in not so many words that because their parents have put the fear of God in them they knew what not to do.

I think putting the fear of God in your children while disciplining children is abusive. God does not want us to fear  him and obey because He scares us but He wants us to obey and follow because He loves us and we love Him. Shouldn't every parent want their child do right because they love them and not because they fear them.

Abuse is about fear and control, and many of of us and some of our parents without realizing this “ discipline”  our children because we want to put the fear of God in them so that they won't do or say something or when people tell us this child is “ out of control” we discipline that child so that he behave and be back in control

Discipline should never be about putting fear in your child or even placing them back in control. Children are not animals , they are human beings. There other ways of disciplining a child if we try. But I believe we as Black people are too quick to pick anything to discipline our children and maybe because of that some of us without knowing have crossed the line. May be we are so quick because it is condition in our mind set that we spank or beat or don't spare the rod on children because the rod wasn't spared on our grandparents and ancestors all the way back to Massa's house. Heck the overseers, planters , merchants and slave masters use to put the fear in God in our ancestors house, they may have even whipped the slaves because a near by overseer told them that their slaves were out of control. Just a thought maybe we as black people are repeating those same abusive patterns like slave owners did to our relatives.

There is a thin line between Abuse and Discipline, some of us may not know it, some of us may not care and some of us may not think that there is a line but it is there and we need to address it.   Maybe it  is  time   to use  Positive  discipline . One  shouldn't  be  ready  always   to pick  up  a belt  or whatever  to discipline, there  are  other  methods  that  works   sometimes  just  as   well.  But I usual I digress !

""Do As I Say; Not As I Do." ..............What?!?!"

Devin Joseph Metz

"If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example." -  George Bernard Shaw

Yeah. Okay. 

If you were anything like I was in my childhood, you spent a great deal of your time scratching your head during this situation:

Parent: "You can't do/say that."

Kid: "But you do it all the time."

Parent: "You've got to learn to do as I say; not as I do. See and don't see. Hear and don't hear. Besides, you're a child. There are things I can do/say that you won't be able to for a very long time."

Kid: "("o.0)"

As a child, I often wondered if my folk knew just how mind-numbingly conflicted and confusing that was for me; not to mention just unfair altogether. If one takes time to examine it from a child's perspective, one would likely deduce that there is something about what their parents do or say that they are trying to hide; be it some semblance of fun that they are selfishly withholding, a secret that they refuse to let the child in on for some perceived ridiculous reason, or just another way to expound upon the obvious notion of "I'm an adult and you are not."

What the parent often fails to realize is that when a child considers one of these not-completely-off-kilter possibilities, the child may elect to just abstain from taking any action contrary to what was outlined to them in what they would consider very vague, shrouded detail...........................................................or the child may decide to take matters into his/her own hands and see what all the buzz is really about; regardless of what ramifications they will likely incur as a direct result. That's when things get dicey........

"I distinctly told you not to! I will not tolerate your willingness to misbehave!"

As is evident, even teens aren't immune to the age old "talking to." Contingent upon a variety of upbringings, backgrounds, customs, traditions, personalities, etc., there can be a number of extremities either way that may range from other forms of punishment for contrary behavior. Most of us can recall spanking; which to this day my Mother swears she has never had to do. 

Yeah okay, Mom.

Others may recall much more meticulous, calculated or just plain mean and seemingly unnecessary punishments. Some choose to merely resort to taking away things that their child may covet or placing certain restrictions on the child's privileges. I can recall my grandmother making my little brother and I kneel on rice for half an hour whenever we would fight. I still cringe every now and then just thinking about that.....

.....anyways, I've taken time to consider the child's stance on this issue; and I believe that the child would have somewhat of a valid argument; even if it is just for the sake of examination.

When a parent tells a child to do as they say but not as they do(confusion already considered to be established at this point), they may in some manner skew that child's decision making later on in life. One may never have considered that if the child's mother is an alcoholic, the child may stay abstain from drinking for a great deal of their young life until he/she reaches the legal drinking age. Does this mean that the child will not become a binge drinker as well? 

Likewise, if a child observes an abusive father that gives his child the exact same directive, aside from the resentment that child may harbor(and in more prevalent cases, outright fear) for him, that is hardly a foolproof method for making sure that child won't grow up to be exactly like him.


Telling a child that he/she should "See and Not See" is just as flawed of a method of parenting. Barring some future development where a parent's sense of awareness is increased exponentially, there will undoubtedly be things that a child will observe, uncover, stumble upon and walk in to that a parent would consider unfavorable for the child to have to witness. 

*Take this time to scroll back to that memory you've managed to lock away in your deeper recesses of your parents having an "affectionate wrestling match."*

There ya go.

There is little doubt that the child will have an inquiry or twelve reserved for the parent; contingent upon what he/she observed. Having them "not have seen" something that they obviously saw is like sitting them in front of the television and telling them to watch Duck Tales without focusing on it.

I want to meet the kid that was able to pull off that feat.


Requesting that your child "Hear and not hear" is woefully disparaging for a number of reasons; but most notably for the one truth that every parent must accept as such:


Kids. Are. Sponges. 


 Say enough of your routine phrases(they don't have to necessarily be derogatory) and you'll see how much your child hasn't heard eventually. They'll acknowledge your request while in your presence; but once you aren't around, their penchant for practicing what their parents preach will slowly(and quite selectively) fade into brief yet considerable obscurity. Your daughter might find it amusing to call her Ken doll what she heard her mother call her father whenever they lock themselves in their bedroom for a long time. 

Your son may key in on a style of language one would deem more suited for someone substantially older than he is; using it in arguments with his friends or while completely competitively engrossed in those contact sports that all the other parents bring their kids to as well. Imagine being the parent having to explain why their kid is using words learned from your kid; especially considering you weren't presently aware beforehand.

What is surely the most frustrating(and often repetitive) speech that most if not all children have to endure is the "I'm an adult and you're a child" performance. I'd hazard a guess that there may have been instances where a child that is told this by his/her parent usually responds with a monumentally confused look [(O.o)]. 

After having their parents repeat it to them incessantly, I'm more than sure that children know that they won't be able to say things that their parents say. Most of the time, the syllables sound like another language altogether anyways; and teenagers tend to find loopholes and/or alternative means of expressing similar terms reserved for their parents; be it their penchant for developing their own style of slang, physical expressions, etc. 

Children understand as well after enough brow-beating that they will not be able to do everything that their parents can do. No doubt the frustration for them peaked initially when they had to look up to the same counter top that they witness their parents looking down towards repeatedly; and nervous teens can't stand impatiently nervous parents due to their uncanny ability to conjure restrictions before, during, after and in anticipation of a conversing.

There isn't a mother or father that exists that isn't to some degree exuberant and excited about their child's potential to emulate their best habits and traits. Honestly, many of these emulations are more copyright infringement on the part of the child rather than hereditary; contrary to what the proud parent may choose to believe, of course. There is a bevy of inherent traits that a child is bound to have passed onto them from their parents genetically; but I am convinced extensively that a great deal of what a child exudes from their parents is merely emulated after enough exposure and display from the parent his/herself.

In lieu of this possibility, parents should take under advisement the potential for a child to harbor their negative habits and traits in similar fashion. This is why I believe that it is paramount that the parent offer a more distinct, detailed answer(within adequate reasoning, obviously) to accompany their restrictions and denouncements when questioned by their children regarding issues that may be outside the parameters of their current age bracket. Detail begets understanding; no matter the age differential. There must be an appropriate(albeit not necessarily predetermined) amount of exposure to the topic or issue that will be discussed between parent and child. It is the sole responsibility of the parent to decide when to remove and replace the lid on the content rendered, of course.

The parent must also keep in mind that understanding is a two way street: A mother or father should abstain from taking offense to their child's honest inquiry. Confusion should be viewed as an opportunity for calibration; not chastisement. One's decision to chastise a child for employing an unsavory habit or using derogatory or inappropriate terminology should also be examined per the situation before deciding whether or not to issue punishment. This makes light of a misunderstanding between the two while creating an opportunity for constructive and informative discussion. It would be rather harsh of a parent to chastise a child in one of these situations without first investigating to the fullest extent what may have influenced the child to engage in such behavior; especially if in all likelihood he/she may have garnered this from the parent his/herself.

Communication will serve as the bridge between the young, inquisitive, curious child and the cesspool of knowledge and experience he/she views their mother/father as. Failure to establish this communication may incur unfortunate experiences for both parties involved later on in life, however; regardless of whether the parent employs aversion or chastisement in response to their child's actions.

It's worth a shot. 

I for the record am not a parent as of yet. I've some time before my wife and I decide to embark on that journey together. 

For the parents thinking "You know, he has a valid point here;" thank you for being subjective enough to give me an audience and give yourself and your children a chance.

 For those parents thinking "How the hell can a newlywed give me advice on parenting? He hasn't even experienced this yet;" you are absolutely correct. 

How dare I drop in my two shekels? 

How dare I tell you how to address your children? 

How dare I criticize your motives when it comes to chastisement? 







How dare you read this entire entry and not ask beforehand? Shame on you. ;)