"We're Not Ready For That Yet..."

Devin Joseph Metz
Amber Chardonnay Crawford-Metz

We've said it so often. All of us have, honestly; and it doesn't matter if you are in a committed relationship, if you are married, single or just bringing it up in casual conversing.

We have all at one point or another in our lives said "I/We aren't ready for that just yet."

What would constitute as "That" in this realm of speaking? Parenthood, of course.

I can say that I have only recalled saying this myself when in a serious relationship; especially after getting married this past January. Actually, I believe that frequent usage of that statement has increased in volume now that we are newlyweds.

My wife and I have always conversed about it in a playful or optimistic manner(you know: "Our kid is gonna do this/be like this/have this trait, etc.); but we have recently had much more in depth conversations regarding the institution of parenthood.

I can recall a conversing with my wife that took place late one night a little over a month ago on the whole concept of being ready for parenthood. We talked about what the future holds for our relationship, our plans as far as where we would like to be years down the line(both geographically as well as in other terms of discussion) and definitely the time frame for when we would have our first child.

Of course I went on rambling about all of the usual reasons why one would state that he/she isn't ready for parenthood:

"I want to make sure that we are financially stable first. I don't want that to be something that we have to struggle with for our child."

~Or~

"I want us to move out of Louisiana before we have our kids. I don't want our children to experience what we had to growing up here."

~Or~

"I would like us to do some more traveling beforehand. I'm not sure we would get the opportunity to do so if we had our child first; at least not to the degree and volume that we would like to anyways."

~Or~

Pretty much any other tidbit of reasoning that one could tie into this conversation. That was when my wife asked me an extremely poignant question:

"Baby, how do you expect to know when we'll be ready to have a child? What makes us so sure that we can plan for something like that?"


I ask that question because something I've come across at work is #1:

Sheer surprise that I'm even married at my age; and #2:

That I don't have kids already!

I'm one of two women on my shift that doesn't have children. So while I'm asking them,"How are you dealing with having a kid at this point in your life?" They are asking me, "What made you get married so young?"

Those questions and answers have changed my picture of child readiness altogether! The questions that I use to temper how ready we are have changed from financial to conditional/environmental. There's less thought about how many million dollars it takes to raise a child and more about where and how we are going to raise a child:

 Where are they going to go to school?

Who are they going to be around?

Are we as parents going to have some support where we are?

And you know what?

Those are all valid inquiries indeed.

Amber and I are always swapping stories back and forth about our coworkers who ask us about when we are gonna have some kids. I tell her about one of my officers that is striking days of the calendar in hopes of Amber and I conceiving before the end of this year.

As only Amber can coin this phrase, she always says "WHY IS EVERYBODY PLOTTING ON MY OVARIES?!?!"

I never get tired of hearing that. Sheer hilarity.

Upon further examination of all of these "reasons" that one would provide to substantiate why he/she isn't ready to have a child, I considered the slight possibility that there may be gender specific reasons expressed relative to why we tend to tread with great caution when talking about parenthood.

There are things to consider on both fronts.

I've recalled some of my male peers say things along the lines of "I'm far too busy for a child" or "I can't really see myself raising a child just yet. I'm still too reckless."

Now that last one really gets to me. Claiming to be "still too reckless" at a point in your life when you are an adult endowed with certain responsibilities that include quality of life just does more to elaborately expose your lack of fortitude and maturity.

As far as I am concerned, although I know that there really isn't a surefire way to plan parenthood, I do think that there are things that would be somewhat instrumental in preparing me for that next step in life.

I do believe that I would like to have a degree more space for raising a child. Not that our current living conditions are a far cry from favorable, of course. I just believe that would be a healthy advantage for our child to have.

Additionally, although this isn't something I have complete control over as of right now, I definitely want to be at a certain condition financially so that we could support our child with a reasonable financial bolster while nurturing him/her.

I'm sure there are a number of other things that would make me feel a little more ready to have a child. The aforementioned are two main concerns for me immediately, though.

Honesty I don't really worry so much about some of those things as much as I used to. I mean, yes, having more income and more space would be awesome, but I think if a kid decided to pop up at random right now, I would be more concerned with my mindset and attitude. I don't know if I'm at the point where I can get my mind kid-ready in 9 months or less! Because that is what it comes down to... Are you going to be prepared for the baby once it actually shows up. Will the countdown be enough? O.o

The undeniable truth here is that there really is no foolproof method when it comes to preparing for childhood; and I'm somewhat okay with that.

Just think about it:

If there were a universal way for future parents to prepare for a new life to emerge, that would likely mean that there is also mean that there would be a universal way for parents to raise their child; and that takes away from the authenticity of these children and the parents that raise them.

Who wants to live in a world without originality, individuality and authenticity? You do? Well count me out of that...

Maybe not knowing that you're ready will actually show that you actually are ready should you become a parent soon. Maybe that which we don't know beforehand will positively impact what happens on the back end of a situation. This isn't always a good thing, of course; but is that for us to determine in the first place?

I think that is better reserved for a higher power and influence.

In the end, I believe that a lot of those "Not ready for that  yet" statements are directly linked to one's fear. It may be a fear of commitment in that realm of reasoning. It might be fear of responsibility. It may be a true fear of failure. Whichever of these it may be, I think that they all may inadvertently serve as a means of motivation to those who find themselves in the role of future parents. 

After all, those who are positively motivated to do good for themselves and others are seen as the ultimate role models for our impressionable youth. 

And what greater role model is there for a young child than his/her parents?

""Do As I Say; Not As I Do." ..............What?!?!"

Devin Joseph Metz

"If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example." -  George Bernard Shaw

Yeah. Okay. 

If you were anything like I was in my childhood, you spent a great deal of your time scratching your head during this situation:

Parent: "You can't do/say that."

Kid: "But you do it all the time."

Parent: "You've got to learn to do as I say; not as I do. See and don't see. Hear and don't hear. Besides, you're a child. There are things I can do/say that you won't be able to for a very long time."

Kid: "("o.0)"

As a child, I often wondered if my folk knew just how mind-numbingly conflicted and confusing that was for me; not to mention just unfair altogether. If one takes time to examine it from a child's perspective, one would likely deduce that there is something about what their parents do or say that they are trying to hide; be it some semblance of fun that they are selfishly withholding, a secret that they refuse to let the child in on for some perceived ridiculous reason, or just another way to expound upon the obvious notion of "I'm an adult and you are not."

What the parent often fails to realize is that when a child considers one of these not-completely-off-kilter possibilities, the child may elect to just abstain from taking any action contrary to what was outlined to them in what they would consider very vague, shrouded detail...........................................................or the child may decide to take matters into his/her own hands and see what all the buzz is really about; regardless of what ramifications they will likely incur as a direct result. That's when things get dicey........

"I distinctly told you not to! I will not tolerate your willingness to misbehave!"

As is evident, even teens aren't immune to the age old "talking to." Contingent upon a variety of upbringings, backgrounds, customs, traditions, personalities, etc., there can be a number of extremities either way that may range from other forms of punishment for contrary behavior. Most of us can recall spanking; which to this day my Mother swears she has never had to do. 

Yeah okay, Mom.

Others may recall much more meticulous, calculated or just plain mean and seemingly unnecessary punishments. Some choose to merely resort to taking away things that their child may covet or placing certain restrictions on the child's privileges. I can recall my grandmother making my little brother and I kneel on rice for half an hour whenever we would fight. I still cringe every now and then just thinking about that.....

.....anyways, I've taken time to consider the child's stance on this issue; and I believe that the child would have somewhat of a valid argument; even if it is just for the sake of examination.

When a parent tells a child to do as they say but not as they do(confusion already considered to be established at this point), they may in some manner skew that child's decision making later on in life. One may never have considered that if the child's mother is an alcoholic, the child may stay abstain from drinking for a great deal of their young life until he/she reaches the legal drinking age. Does this mean that the child will not become a binge drinker as well? 

Likewise, if a child observes an abusive father that gives his child the exact same directive, aside from the resentment that child may harbor(and in more prevalent cases, outright fear) for him, that is hardly a foolproof method for making sure that child won't grow up to be exactly like him.


Telling a child that he/she should "See and Not See" is just as flawed of a method of parenting. Barring some future development where a parent's sense of awareness is increased exponentially, there will undoubtedly be things that a child will observe, uncover, stumble upon and walk in to that a parent would consider unfavorable for the child to have to witness. 

*Take this time to scroll back to that memory you've managed to lock away in your deeper recesses of your parents having an "affectionate wrestling match."*

There ya go.

There is little doubt that the child will have an inquiry or twelve reserved for the parent; contingent upon what he/she observed. Having them "not have seen" something that they obviously saw is like sitting them in front of the television and telling them to watch Duck Tales without focusing on it.

I want to meet the kid that was able to pull off that feat.


Requesting that your child "Hear and not hear" is woefully disparaging for a number of reasons; but most notably for the one truth that every parent must accept as such:


Kids. Are. Sponges. 


 Say enough of your routine phrases(they don't have to necessarily be derogatory) and you'll see how much your child hasn't heard eventually. They'll acknowledge your request while in your presence; but once you aren't around, their penchant for practicing what their parents preach will slowly(and quite selectively) fade into brief yet considerable obscurity. Your daughter might find it amusing to call her Ken doll what she heard her mother call her father whenever they lock themselves in their bedroom for a long time. 

Your son may key in on a style of language one would deem more suited for someone substantially older than he is; using it in arguments with his friends or while completely competitively engrossed in those contact sports that all the other parents bring their kids to as well. Imagine being the parent having to explain why their kid is using words learned from your kid; especially considering you weren't presently aware beforehand.

What is surely the most frustrating(and often repetitive) speech that most if not all children have to endure is the "I'm an adult and you're a child" performance. I'd hazard a guess that there may have been instances where a child that is told this by his/her parent usually responds with a monumentally confused look [(O.o)]. 

After having their parents repeat it to them incessantly, I'm more than sure that children know that they won't be able to say things that their parents say. Most of the time, the syllables sound like another language altogether anyways; and teenagers tend to find loopholes and/or alternative means of expressing similar terms reserved for their parents; be it their penchant for developing their own style of slang, physical expressions, etc. 

Children understand as well after enough brow-beating that they will not be able to do everything that their parents can do. No doubt the frustration for them peaked initially when they had to look up to the same counter top that they witness their parents looking down towards repeatedly; and nervous teens can't stand impatiently nervous parents due to their uncanny ability to conjure restrictions before, during, after and in anticipation of a conversing.

There isn't a mother or father that exists that isn't to some degree exuberant and excited about their child's potential to emulate their best habits and traits. Honestly, many of these emulations are more copyright infringement on the part of the child rather than hereditary; contrary to what the proud parent may choose to believe, of course. There is a bevy of inherent traits that a child is bound to have passed onto them from their parents genetically; but I am convinced extensively that a great deal of what a child exudes from their parents is merely emulated after enough exposure and display from the parent his/herself.

In lieu of this possibility, parents should take under advisement the potential for a child to harbor their negative habits and traits in similar fashion. This is why I believe that it is paramount that the parent offer a more distinct, detailed answer(within adequate reasoning, obviously) to accompany their restrictions and denouncements when questioned by their children regarding issues that may be outside the parameters of their current age bracket. Detail begets understanding; no matter the age differential. There must be an appropriate(albeit not necessarily predetermined) amount of exposure to the topic or issue that will be discussed between parent and child. It is the sole responsibility of the parent to decide when to remove and replace the lid on the content rendered, of course.

The parent must also keep in mind that understanding is a two way street: A mother or father should abstain from taking offense to their child's honest inquiry. Confusion should be viewed as an opportunity for calibration; not chastisement. One's decision to chastise a child for employing an unsavory habit or using derogatory or inappropriate terminology should also be examined per the situation before deciding whether or not to issue punishment. This makes light of a misunderstanding between the two while creating an opportunity for constructive and informative discussion. It would be rather harsh of a parent to chastise a child in one of these situations without first investigating to the fullest extent what may have influenced the child to engage in such behavior; especially if in all likelihood he/she may have garnered this from the parent his/herself.

Communication will serve as the bridge between the young, inquisitive, curious child and the cesspool of knowledge and experience he/she views their mother/father as. Failure to establish this communication may incur unfortunate experiences for both parties involved later on in life, however; regardless of whether the parent employs aversion or chastisement in response to their child's actions.

It's worth a shot. 

I for the record am not a parent as of yet. I've some time before my wife and I decide to embark on that journey together. 

For the parents thinking "You know, he has a valid point here;" thank you for being subjective enough to give me an audience and give yourself and your children a chance.

 For those parents thinking "How the hell can a newlywed give me advice on parenting? He hasn't even experienced this yet;" you are absolutely correct. 

How dare I drop in my two shekels? 

How dare I tell you how to address your children? 

How dare I criticize your motives when it comes to chastisement? 







How dare you read this entire entry and not ask beforehand? Shame on you. ;)