"Alright! I'm Sorry! Shut Up Already!"

Devin Joseph Metz

 

"You don't even try to apologize!" "Why should I have to?!"

In a time when there is an art to just about everything that we do("The Art of Sagging," "The Art of Twerking," "The Art of Frosting A Cake," etc.), I believe that it proves beneficial to disclose this ground breaking gem:

There is no art to apologizing.  

There is no science, no methodology, no list of steps that should be followed, none of that. Don't get me wrong, though. There are definitive things one should and should not do should he/she find themselves in a position that requires some contrition on their part. I know that for some inclined to a grander portion of their pride, being contrite is likely the equivalent of someone asking them to accept that the sky is purple. Even with that considered, offering an apology isn't like jail breaking an iPhone or rooting an Android(Pardon my nerd. I'm a tech guy.) There are delicate things that must be paid attention to contingent upon the personality of the individual you have to apologize to. However........

Regardless of what the above photograph says, one should never just apologize out of appeasement or to shut the other person up. There are times when throwing a pail of water at open flames will only make it spread.There's no denying that simply saying you're sorry is much easier than arguing incessantly; but it should not become a recurrent practice. No one is wrong all the time; therefore one should not look to be contrite at times that may have been opportune for his/her side of the situation to be heard and yielded to. Contrition is a responsibility; but not to the point where it is so paramount that the person feels inclined to apologize every time.

Additionally, one shouldn't expect an apology to serve as a quick fix to the situation; especially if that person is the guilty party. The person demanding your contrition should never feel as if you are doing so in an obligatory fashion or as a means of escape. People who choose to use contrition as their scapegoat are perceived heartless, obnoxious, inconsiderate, pompous, [some other adjective used to describe said people], etc; and that only serves to make the situation much worse than it was initially. Besides, no one should have to believe this:

"Apology is only egotism wrong side out." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"I'm.............Yeah. Here."

 Of course, I've never been one to ignore the evident fact that for some, apologizing just doesn't come easy at all. This does not mean that the person isn't sincere or truly sorry for what may have transpired. Even if it does mean this, the person will have eventually come to the likely conclusion that refusing to apologize will just make things worse in the long run; which may incur irreversible damage later on; especially once the next argument ensues. 

*In this type of situation, there will be a next argument. It is all but guaranteed; especially if both people involved are truly this stalwart in their stance on whatever the issue may be.*

There are people who find it difficult to render a decent apology; and by difficult, I mean awkward and borderline impossible. The person may not be able to find the words to say initially; forcing them to avoid the other person until they can conjure up something that sounds more than halfway considerate. What's funny about this is the realization that this person is actually being considerate by trying not to sound like a jerk. This long period of biding time can be very damaging, however. This is definitely true for two individuals in a relationship. The more time that passes without even an attempted conversing between the two may amplify the tension; which in turn makes things even more awkward between the two.

What should be done, then?

Well....

Acknowledge the situation instead of running from it or ignoring it. This ensures that sincerity for the most part remains intact. Pretending that the situation doesn't exist won't make it disappear or alleviate the tension.

If there is difficulty - be it pride or the awkward tension attached to the situation - with offering an apology, make it known. The best way to get rid of the elephant in the room sometimes involves acknowledging that it is there. There's nothing wrong with saying "This is very awkward for me" or "I'm not really good at this" or whatever quirky statement is needed to lay everything out on the table. There will be times when making known one's difficulty with being contrite may actually serve as a substantial part of the apology itself.

Say what you mean; but don't say it in a spiteful manner. Try not to follow up any apology with a "matter of fact" statement of any variance. Those statements take away from the apology rendered; leaving you looking more like a jerk than you may have initially. All "matter of fact" statements should be divulged by the person receiving the apology; because this will likely come in the form of a stark realization of his/her own negative contribution to the situation; which will incur additional contrition and understanding for the both of you.

Never feel entitled to an apology. Even if you are entitled, forcing an apology out of someone will bring you down further than the person who should have apologized in the first place. Additionally, one should never feel as if he/she doesn't have to apologize. There should be an examination done by both people: One on the situation and another on themselves to see what they may have negatively contributed to it. This may reveal reasons why both people may have to apologize. When it comes to apologizing, entitlement can shroud one's rational thinking with groundless, unfounded pride.

I said that there is no art to apologizing; and I mean it. None of this is state of the art or packaged with schematics and code. It is all just simple recognition, realization, courtesy, self-chastisement, honesty and common sense. No loop holes, no short cuts, no system. Just a detailed elaboration on the importance of saying "I'm sorry."

You have to mean it, of course.